holy shit i am hungover

ted | chicago | Sunday, June 10th, 2007

Ruth and Gib got married yesterday, fuckin’ congratulations


ted | chicago | Monday, April 16th, 2007

Folks, I know that your neck of the woods is different and special. I know you want to live in an exciting and dynamic place. It’s good to be wanted and to feel special. But please, do not, under any circumstances, say any of the following, lest ye be found in a dumpster in Muscle Shoals.

“We’ve got two seasons around here: winter and road construction.”

“If you don’t like the weather, just wait five minutes!”

“(one-word adjective for the current state of extreme weather) enough for ya?”


ted | chicago | Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Once again, it’s everybody’s favorite public drinking holiday, the South Side Irish St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Bring your kids and stay on the east side of Western Avenue or bring a bottle of Jameson and stagger about on the west side. Be sure to wear your steel toed boots, wear everything green you own and share a spill with your fellow revelers.

“Board the windows, up your car insurance and don’t leave any booze in plain sight. It’s St. Patrick’s day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.”


ted | chicago | Wednesday, November 8th, 2006

Rick Santorum concedes
(stolen borrowed without permission from the shittsburgh post-gazette)



ted | chicago | Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

I voted. Did you?

If so, bully for you!

If not, you can fuck right off.

Chicago has these fancy new touchscreen machines, which I was all sorts of against, until I heard on some AM talk show (been on a big AM radio kick lately) that these particular machines had a built-in paper trail. After you reviewed your choices on-screen, it printed a paper receipt that you got to review through a window. After approving it and casting your ballot, it scrolled into the bowels of the machine. Neat. Apparently it’s a Sequoia AVC Edge w/VeriVote Printer.

My final votes are between myself and the Cook County Election Board, but suffice it to say that I had a pretty clear method of voting. I voted as you might expect someone of my age, location and socioeconomic group might with a few caveats. All those running unopposed got a saucy write-in candidate. Any incumbent Republicans got voted against, either by Green Party (where available) or Democrats. All judges with male-sounding names got voted against and all females got voted for. I like some churn in my gummint.

You know what else I like? WAFFLES.

wrong again

ted | chicago | Monday, October 16th, 2006

The weatherman said it was going to snow last week, which I thought was absolutely ridiculous. Snow in early Octember? HAH! SURELY YOU MUST BE A CRAZY PERSON TO THINK SUCH A THING!

Looks like snow to me.

In fact, not 5 minutes after I took this picture and went back inside, it was snowing so hard it was near-whiteout visibility. Half an hour later the sun came out and everything melted, but still. Snow. 12 October 2006. A new personal record for the earliest snow of the fall.

Not a chill to the winter but a nip to the air

ted | chicago | Thursday, September 28th, 2006

Dipped down into the mid 40s last night, confirming that fall is well on its way in and summer is on its way out. Personally, I’m really looking forward to it. I love chilly weather, riding around aimlessly or driving about with the windows down and the heat full blast in the floorboards.

Fall bonus #1: all those damn kids in my neighborhood won’t be outside as much.

Fall bonus #2: dog poop cools off and hardens quickly, making it easier to pick up.

Fall bonus #3: tannin stains on the sidewalk where leaves fall then get rained on.

In short, I’m ready for another descent into winter. Give me a couple months of it and I’m sure I’ll be ready for warmer weather again. That’s one of the nice things about having four real seasons – by the time you’re sick and tired of the current season, another one is on its way.

It’s sad that my beloved Chicago Bases-ball White Stockings won’t be in the playoffs this year, but I think we’ve all learned our lesson: never send Ozzie Guillen to sensitivity training. If you think him calling a Trib sportswriter a “fag” is bad, you should read his lips when he’s chewing out Doug Eddings at home plate. Hoo boy, now that‘s some good cussin’!

wind come to town, make town delicious

ted | chicago | Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

Despite not running the AC during the hottest day of the year – a solid ninety nine degrees on the Fahrenheit scale, one hundred and seven if you count the effect of relative humidity – I was still able to enjoy the sweet scent of graham crackers wafted my way as if god hisself had opened the blast furnace doors.

Still didn’t win the lottery last night. I don’t think the clerk understood that I wanted a winning ticket.

a delicious wind

ted | chicago | Wednesday, July 26th, 2006

There’s a Nabisco bakery a little ways from the house, down on 73rd & Kedzie. When the wind is blowing right, you can tell what they’re baking.

My neighborhood smelled like Nilla Wafers today.

what a weird game

ted | chicago | Monday, May 22nd, 2006
  1. Game delayed for a few minutes because of a squirrel on the field
  2. Big Hurt hits 2 homers in his first 3 at bats
  3. The As have white shoes.
  4. Strike zone appears to grow and shrink with the home plate ump’s whim.
  5. Ozzie ejected after confronting HPU about #4 in second inning, saying at least five variations of “fuck” in doing so.
  6. I don’t like this disturbing trend of the NL-esque longball in the AL.
  7. Currently in extra innings.
  8. Sox win.

In other news, we saw Mexican Cheerleader at the Beat Kitchen on Saturday night. Been a long while since we’d been out to see them and we had a fantastic time, as usual. Last time was the Blizzard of ’05 in West Dundee. Despite General Mill’s refusal to sponsor the band yet make Pete speak Anthrax lyrics in the voice of Count Chocula, the show ruled. MC really knows how to rock out with their dongs out and they were really on top of their shit this time and every bit as loud as I’ve heard them. Nice.

Scott almost called me on Kentucky Derby Day (dangerous) and Jimmy Karl White claims to have rampant mint growing at casa de karl in Berwyn (BERRRR-WYNNNN). Could be dangerous, hopefully it will be. Stay tuned, Chicagorillas. Mr. Natural completely harshed on the Blue Ribbon Beer I purchased for him while we watched A.J. Pierzynski get drilled in the grill for the millionth time that day. As some manner of rockabilly show had gone on previously, I made the obvioous connection of White Sox, Rednecks & Blue Ribbon Beer.

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