crossposted from the fortressblog

ted | travel | Monday, August 21st, 2006

Liquids? You have got to be putting shit in my pants, TSA. First off, banning something after the dudes have been arrested and their plot thwarted is FUCKING BACKWARDS YOU TWATS. If y’all were spending my hard-slacked tax dollares properly, first you ban something, then you thwart a plot. Not the other way around. I seriously believe soon we’ll all have to change into TSA-approved scrubs under the watchful eye of TSA ass inspectors at the airport, put into opaque hermetically sealed containers which will be loaded onto planes (what no longer have windows, in-flight service of any kind, bathrooms or air conditioning since terra-ists will be suspected of using line-of-sight communication, peanuts, free maxipads (sleds to you, Mark) or cold air (to drive a terra-generating heat engine) in any combination to wreak havoc) and flown to your destination with four F/A-18 escort planes and Red Chinese soldiers on board hired to poke at you with a rusty Tokarev SVT-40s to make sure you’re not having any fun whatsoever.

Stranger things have happened. We used to laugh at Matt’s craaaaaazy ideas about pissing into cars’ fuel tanks by the year 2000 and the Scroty-Toteâ„¢. Mercedes recently announced a method of injecting urea to reduce NOx emissions in their diesel engines so they would be CARB emissions compliant. Yes, urea. As in “urine” as in “to piss”. No word yet on anyone planning widespread adoption of the Scroty-Toteâ„¢.

Which is one reason why I ain’t yet nor do I plan to move to California, the land of fruits and nuts. I like my diesel car, especially that 11% of my fuel comes from locally-grown soybeans. It also seems to me that living in California makes you soft, much in the same way living in NYC makes you hard. Plus I like cold weather and the Midwest. And my dog. And this lamp, and this chair. And my yo-yo. And Martin being done with school. Again. I congratulate you, sir!

But I tell you what, there is one thing that frightens me on planes.

Motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking planes.

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