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When you’re staring down the barrel of having to refinish the floors of your living room after restaining and sealing all the trim and get it all done in the next 2 weeks, it only makes sense to load the dog in the car and get the hell out of dodge for the weekend. My buddy Gibbity Goo Goo was another year older and deeper in debt and we were to suprise him with a sneak attack. Plans were laid and communication channels swelled without his knowledge, and suprise him we did. If you’ve never been there or heard of it, the Wisconsin Dells is a huge cluster of theme parks nestled in the north woods. Spanning several small municipalities, the water park reigns king and hotels are in direct competition with the big guns for you to take in their chlorinated attractions.

In “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, Hunter Thompson said that Bazooko’s Circus Casino “is what the world would be doing every Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war.” I’ve yet to go to Las Vegas, but i think i have a better idea about what he was talking about after going to the Dells. The hotel we were staying in had this huge indoor/outdoor water park, including this huge retarded slide what looked like a big orange funnel on its side. Ruth accurately described it as simulating what it must be like to get flushed down the toilet. Two or four to a raft, you drop perhaps 20′ immediately, then slosh violently about in the funnel before you dump out the bottom. I must’ve ridden it 10 times or so, and it never got less fun. Yeah, the following picture of it sucks, but i took it with my phone.

For a sense of scale, the hotel wing to the left is 4 stories tall and perhaps 500 feet away. You can only see about a third of the ride. It was huge.The better part of Saturday was spent at what is allegedly the largest water park in the United States. It’s been 10 or 15 years since i’d been at one, and i can honestly say it’s far more fun now than it was then. Probably had something to do with beer. Still, they have all the problems as back in the day – gotta stand in line for half an hour for a 30 second ride. After going on most of the high-profile rides, we found the ride with the best payoff. As most things at amusement/water parks, everything has a retarded name, so i’ll describe it: the boat thing that goes up, makes a tight 180, then flies down a ramp into a pool of water, soaking all the jerks on the bridge overhead and everyone in the boat. They called it the Flash Flood. You know what i’m talking about. It was great. The lines were short, the ride cycled every minute or so, and you got to enjoy the action if you were in the boat or on the bridge. We also found the one spot where you get blasted with firehose-like force and took turns standing in it.

Back at the lodge, we mostly spent our time drinking heavily, sitting around and shooting the shit, smoking too many cigarettes, being rowdy and making fun of the masses of unhappy families. All in all, a great time, and on the off chance my nigga Gib reads this, happy birthday, you fuck.